Stick Breaks Bones, Not Habits
Noel and Beatrice are better parents thanks to Families Matter Program. January 2024. Masaka, Rwanda.
Jules Ntahobatuye for YWCA.
In the heart of Masaka, in Rwanda, Beatrice Bamporiki lives with her husband Noel and their five children. Beatrice was notorious in her community for her extremely strict parenting style. She held that beatings were the best solution to any problem involving a misbehaving child.
Her eldest daughter Teta bore the brunt of this belief. Simple mistakes that could be passed off as typical teenage behavior, such as returning home late, or breaking a household item, would always result in harsh physical punishments. These frequent beatings left the 15-year-old girl traumatized and living in constant fear of her mother.
Teta suffered both at home and at her boarding school.
Primary TextThe anxiety persisted even when I was away at school. I worried about holidays in particular. The thought of coming home to be with my mom... just anticipating the beatings that awaited me, made me tremble in fear.
Beatrice justified her strictness, insisting that these punishments were necessary to put an end on her daughter's misbehavior, and instill some calm and wisdom within her.
Soon, Beatrice started to notice how her behavior was negatively impacting the whole family. Noel, Beatrice's husband, usually stayed silent during these beatings. Then, one day, he'd decided it was all too much: he was watching his wife give their daughter what he described as inhumanely severe beatings. “One day, my wife beat our daughter Teta so severely that I wanted to hit her back. She quickly shifted the blame on me, saying that I was the one encouraging this bad behavior our daughter was displaying.”
Primary TextIt got to a point, where Teta, once responsive to pain, became numb to it and just resorted to running away from home.
In 2023, Noel and Beatrice were selected for the Family Matters Program (FMP) sessions funded thanks to USAID. These sessions, spanning two months, aimed to address family dynamics for parents and caregivers with children enrolled in the DREAMS program, aged 10 to 14.
Beatrice recalls how these sessions proved to be like a mirror for her, giving her a chance to reflect on the behavior she exhibited within her household. “The fifth session was a turning point for me, because this is when we learned the basics of building a good relationship with our children, and we talked about the importance of effective communication. For instance, I took for granted all conversations on Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights, as it seemed to me the girls knew everything. When Teta first got her period, I really saw no need to offer help or any guidance. I used that event to scare her, to keep her in check, telling her that if she didn't calm down, she would get pregnant and I would be forced to take matters into my own hands.” remembers Beatrice.
Primary TextDuring that same session, I learned that stick breaks bones, but not the bad habits.
Noel, Teta and Beatrice in front of their home in Masaka, Rwanda. January 2024.
Jules Ntahobatuye for YWCA.
Choosing to embrace positive parenting, Beatrice shifted her focus towards open conversations and attentive listening, rather than impulsively jumping to conclusions. She learned how important it is to build trusting relationships with her children.
Noel, too, underwent a transformation. He used to think that conversations with his daughters were entirely his wife's responsibility, but thanks to this program he started enjoying rich conversations with his children.
“Before, I thought that having conversations with my daughters did not concern me; instead, it was their mother's responsibility. However, now I see we have so much to talk about. I love how eager and enthusiastic they are to share stories and experiences with me. They tell me secrets, and we discuss things. I feel so fulfilled as their father,” Noel says.
Teta feels relieved: "My mother no longer brings stress from work home, which in most cases used to result in a stream of insults and beatings for us. Instead, she asks us about our day, listens to our challenges, and helps in coming up with solutions for them."
Noel and Beatrice are now positive parents, thanks to the skills they gained from their Family Matters sessions. They advocate for other parents to be closer to their children, to take time to listen to them, and be positively involved in their children's lives.
This initiative helps build strong parent-child bonds that have the potential to build strong communities, and prevent gender-based violence and HIV transmission.
To learn more, contact Emah Ndengo at endengo@usaid.gov.
DREAMS (Determined, Resilient, Empowered, AIDS-free, Mentored and Safe) program for adolescent girls and young women is funded thanks to the U.S. President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief, or PEPFAR. To learn more about the program, please visit www.pepfar.gov.
This particular project that helped Denyse is funded by PEPFAR, and implemented through USAID and our partner Young Women's Christian Association (YWCA) Rwanda, a local organization.